


New Year's Dreams

by WildHurricane



Category: Glee
Genre: AU, Angst, Best Friends, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Romance, change of heart, crashed hopes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:28:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22030315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WildHurricane/pseuds/WildHurricane
Summary: It's New Year’s Eve and Kurt sneaks out the window to spend the last minutes of the year with Blaine, his best friend whom he fell in love with when he was fourteen. He's over him now of course because Blaine never fell back. But when Blaine brings up memories from their teenage years it’s hard to keep everything in the past. He has to though, he is okay with it, he has moved on. But why is Blaine suddenly so nervous?
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel
Comments: 42
Kudos: 111





	1. Kurt

**Kurt**

”Blaine? Are you there?” The cold night air forms a fog around the words when Kurt quietly shouts out so as not to be heard by his father.

“Over here,” Blaine calls back, equally quiet. His voice comes from the back corner of the garden and Kurt can see a hand waving at him from behind the thick trunk of the old oak tree.

Kurt climbs down the last few steps of the steel trellis supporting the pink and peach colored roses climbing up the side gable. They're not pink and peach anymore, the warm summer months when roses bloom are long gone, replaced by harsh winter and freezing temperatures, but the stems of the roses are still there, bare and dark green.

Kurt curses silently when a thorn pricks the skin of his thumb. He instinctively sucks the tip into his mouth to sooth the pain and instantly taste the metal taste of blood. He mutters another set of well-chosen curse words. This was a stupid idea, and it's all his dad's fault. Technically, it's Blaine's fault since this entire night was his idea, but it's easier to blame his dad. If he hadn't been grounded, he wouldn't have had to climb out his window to sneak out to see Blaine.

He jumps off the trellis when there's only a few feet left to the ground. The snow is hard an uneven, just there under the roses bushes, and instead of landing smoothly on his two feet he stumbles and falls. Kurt swears under his breath, less carefully selected words this time, as he stands up to brush off the snow.

He keeps in the shadows to stay invisible from the party inside as he crosses the lawn to get to his and Blaine's secret hiding place. The snow crunches under his shoes and Kurt leaves footprints the shape of the new winter boots he got for Christmas. If anyone inside starts missing him, it probably won't be too hard to find him, but Kurt doesn't worry about that as he rounds the old oak tree.

Because there is Blaine, the only reason he would sneak out on New Year’s Eve. The only reason he has ever snuck out and disobeyed his dad's rules. It's not the first time they've met behind the tree, they used to do it all the time when they were younger and either of them was grounded or when it was past curfew. They always found a way to be together no matter the rules their parents sat for them.

“Finally, what took you so long?” Blaine opens his arms for Kurt to step into and be hugged. Blaine's embrace is nice and warm, just as always, but especially on this cold December night. Kurt stays there with no desire to let go.

“Dad insisted I have dessert with everyone before I could retreat to my room,” Kurt sighs dramatically, like he didn't actually enjoy the layered red velvet cheesecake Carole spent most of last night making.

When he let's go of Blaine he shudders, his white knitted cardigan isn't enough to keep him warm. “Shit, it's freezing,” Kurt says and rubs his hands together for warmth.

“Why didn't you bring your coat? And why are you covered in snow?” Blaine reaches out to brush some snow from Kurt's hair.

“I had an incident with the rose bushes,” Kurt offers as explanation to his snow-covered self, “and I don't have a coat since I couldn't exactly walk out the front door. I can't believe he grounded me on New Year’s Eve!”

“Next time, don't take his car without permission. You know how precious it is to him,” Blaine smiles, trying to keep his scolding to a minimum.

“I didn't take it, I borrowed it, there's a difference you know,” Kurt says seriously.

Blaine can barely contain his laughter anymore, his smile growing wider with each phrase exchanged, though he tries to hold it back. “Not to Burt, there isn't.”

“Well, I know that now!” Kurt is a much better actor, keeping his facial expression in check and his voice just the right amount of irritated.

Blaine gives up and chuckles. “Why don't you just go inside and fetch it? This is ridiculous.”

“I can't just walk back in there, I'm grounded remember. If I go back inside, I won't be able to come back out again.”

“You know you're not really grounded, right?”

“Don't ruin this, you're the one wanting to play,” Kurt says, but then he can't hold back a smile either. He did borrow Burt's car without asking, but unlike when they were sixteen, Burt didn't mind as much.

“Not if you're going to freeze to death,” Blaine counters. “Go back inside and get your coat.”

“No, no, you're the one who wanted to feel sixteen again, who wanted to relive all those times we snuck out.” Kurt don’t mind the cold so much, not when he gets to spend time with Blaine.

“It was fun!” Blaine says, his whole face lightening up. “I miss those days when we were young and our biggest concerns were being grounded.”

“You say that like we're fifty-five, we're only twenty-three, Blaine.”

“But I still miss it, things were different then. You were my best friend and lived next door, not several states away.”

“I'm still your best friend and you know I'm only a phone call away.” Kurt's teeth clatter as he speaks the last words. He don’t like being reminded of the distance between them. It’s his fault they live in different states now.

Blaine bends down and picks something out of the basket standing by his feet. “Here, at least put this on,” he sighs and hands Kurt a black knitted hat. “I know you always ‘forget’ to put on hat,” Blaine says using air quotes, “because you don't want to mess up your hair.”

It's true, Kurt hates hats. Blaine knows that because Blaine knows him better than anyone. Which also means that Blaine has seen him on days when his hair is less than perfect, so a hat messing up his hair isn't really a concern of Kurt's when he's with Blaine. The real reason for forgetting his coat and hat, and gloves, was his excitement to see Blaine. Sure, he saw him only yesterday, but when they're back home he wants to spend every minute with him.

Blaine has been his constant partner in crime, ever since Kurt and Burt moved into the house after Kurt's mom had died and they couldn't afford to stay in their old house. Blaine was the curious boy next door who sat on the front lawn watching as they moved furniture from the moving truck into the house. After observing for about an hour, he had gathered enough courage to ask Kurt his name. It was the beginning of a friendship that has lasted for fifteen years. A friendship Kurt hopes will last a lifetime.

“Thank you.” Kurt gratefully puts on the hat, pulling it down low over his ears. He ascribes the slight irritation in Blaine's voice to his own pride and forgetfulness. Blaine has only been really mad at him once.

“And you being ‘only a phone call away’ isn't the same, you know that,” Blaine says tucking in a lock of hair that has fallen over Kurt’s eye.

“Okay, let's not have _that_ conversation again.” Kurt sighs and rolls his eyes. He doesn't need a guilt trip tonight. It's New Year's Eve and time for celebrations, not for arguing.

“It wasn't me who decided to move to God-knows-where, Tennessee,” Blaine counters and crosses his arms.

“It's Nashville, Blaine, not some far-away, rural part of the state. But we've already had this conversation like ten times, and though I'm all for reliving our teenage years, let's not include this on our trip down memory lane. What's with you anyway?”

Blaine sighs again, but this time it’s resigned rather than irritated. “I'm sorry… I just… I just miss hanging out with you, like we used to do before life decided we had to grow up, that's all.”

“I'm here now.” It should be all that matters but Kurt knows it sometimes isn’t.

“I know, and I'm very happy about that,” Blaine says, his smile slowly reappearing and his arms falling to his sides again. “And you're right, let's not go there. Let's not bring back any sad memories, I only want happy memories from tonight.”

“Thank you,” Kurt says and blows warm air on his hands. At least his new boots are keeping his feet warm. “I miss you, too, you know. When I'm not around.”

“I know.” Blaine's face turns sad for a second, his eyes downcast and the corner of his lips turned slightly down, but then it's gone and something soft comes over him. He takes off his gloves and extends his hands to Kurt. “Come here.” Blaine takes Kurt's hands in his and laces their fingers together.

“What are you doing?” Kurt looks down at their linked hands.

“Making sure you don't turn into an icicle, you idiot. I can't believe you're so stubborn you won't go back inside and put more clothes on.” Blaine’s voice is fond and a little bit teasing.

“And leave you out here all alone again when I just got here?” Kurt teases back. “I don't think so.” The warmth of Blaine's hands on his is nice. Holding Blaine’s hands is nice. A year ago Kurt would have thought the gesture was too intimate, too much, but he's past that now and holding Blaine's hands doesn't feel like his heart will break from him wanting it to mean something different than Blaine does. Sure, it brings back memories Kurt isn't keen to relive, because sometimes it still hurts to think about all those years he spent dreaming and hoping, but he's over it now.

“I should have brought gloves, too, your hands are like ice and I should have known you wouldn't remember to bring any.”

“Are you implying I'm forgetful?” Kurt says with feigned dismay.

“No, I would never,” Blaine teases. “I mean, I'm not the one forgetting to bring the cap to my own graduation.”

“I didn't forget it, I just assumed dad would bring it. I told him to,” Kurt says to his own defense.

“Keep telling yourself that.”

Blaine loves to bring up this story every time Kurt forgets something, and these days Kurt can laugh at it too. Back then he was devastated, thinking it wouldn't be a real graduation if he couldn't move the tassel from one side to the other. Thankfully, Rachel had two caps just in case that exact situation would arise. Nothing was going to ruin her perfect graduation day.

“We’ve had some good moments together, haven't we?” Blaine asks, his eyes taking on a fond glow.

“You know my top three most memorable moments have all been with you,” Kurt smiles back, his heart filling with warmth when he thinks back at all the years they've known each other.

“Do you remember the day we came out to each other, sitting behind this tree?” Blaine brushes his thumbs lightly across Kurt's knuckles. It’s an absent-minded stroke, light as a feather, barely noticeable, but Kurt's heart decides, against Kurt's will, to start beating faster, like it hasn't gotten the memo that they're past this. Blaine touching him used to have that effect sometimes. Most of the times. It's one of the reasons Kurt moved away.

Kurt unlaces his fingers from Blaine's. Maybe it still is too intimate, at least if they're going to talk about them coming out, about them falling in love. With people that weren't each other.

“Very clearly,” Kurt says, his smile faltering for a second, but he quickly recovers.

It was a hot summer's day when they were fifteen. They sat in the shades offered by the big tree, drinking lemonade made by Blaine's mom and listened as the leaves slowly rustled in the light breeze. Kurt had known for a while that he was gay, but been too afraid their friendship would change or maybe cease to exist if he told Blaine.

When Blaine told him he was gay, Kurt wanted to jump up and high five the sky. He was shocked, yes, because what were the odds? He had no clue Blaine was going through the same life changing revelation as himself, but he was also excited, so very excited. His crush on Blaine grew to double its size, he couldn't help it. Blaine was gay too and he could picture quite clearly the two of them as the perfect boyfriends.

They never did become boyfriends of course.

“I was so scared of telling you,” Blaine continues, glancing down at his now empty hands for a second before looking back up at Kurt. “You were my best friend and I didn't want that to change, but I couldn't not tell you, you know. You were the one person I trusted the most.”

“I know, it was the same for me, only you were much braver than I was.” Kurt tucks his hands into the pockets of his pants. Without Blaine holding them, they're becoming cold fast. He wishes he could just hold Blaine's hands, platonically, without it affecting him. But no, tonight that's not the way his body functions.

“You were brave too, you told me, and I was so relieved. I was like ‘I don't have to go through this alone, Kurt is doing it with me. We're going to be such an amazing team!’ and, I don't know… it just felt like anything was possible. I was really happy that summer.”

“I remember how thrilling I thought it was that we had this special secret just you and me, before we told everyone,” Kurt says and smiles. It was the best summer of his life. He felt free, hopeful, unstoppable. He was in love and he had so much faith in that life would finally go his way. He soon enough learnt life is never that easy and he lived with his unrequited feelings for years until he finally moved on. Until he met Adam.

Blaine talking of them coming out brings back memories though, and not only the pleasant ones that Blaine wants to relive. With Adam not there, it's harder to keep them at bay, but it's only memories. It's not the way he feels anymore. They have so little time together this Christmas break and he really doesn't want to ruin it with thoughts and feelings that aren't real anymore. He wants to enjoy being with Blaine in a way he hasn't been able to in years. He loves to hang out with Blaine, Blaine is the only person who gets him, and he misses him like crazy when they're not together.

But they're there now, the memories, right in the front of his brain, and he can't stop them from playing out in his mind. Memories of wanting to be Blaine's boyfriend, of wanting to tell him.

He didn't exactly want to tell Blaine that summer day when they sat under the tree and nervously told each other they were gay, it was all still too new then. That day he just wanted to revel in the fact that Blaine was gay too and all the possibilities that brought for the future. There were days later though, when he wanted to tell him, when he was going to tell him, but his timing was always off.

The first time he had gathered enough courage to tell Blaine how he felt for him, Blaine came running to their hiding place, all excited and unable to stand still. It was winter then, too, and Blaine had just asked the cute barista at the Starbucks downtown for a coffee date. And he had said yes! Kurt saw the thrill in Blaine's eyes and wanted nothing more than for Blaine to look like that when he thought about him. His heart and spirit crashed, but he pretended to be happy for him. That's what friends do. It didn't go past that first coffee date, but it didn't matter to Kurt, he knew Blaine didn't feel the same way then.

The second time was just before the end of their junior year. He'd been getting these vibes from Blaine, the feeling that he wanted to tell him something. Kurt thought he knew, and decided this time he was going to be the first one to open up to Blaine about his secret. But before he got the chance, Blaine had a nervous breakdown from the stress of the SAT and his parents’ divorce. Kurt coming clean with his feelings would have to wait, tending to Blaine and making sure he was okay was more important.

But it was never going to happen. He and Blaine were never going to be boyfriends. Blaine told him during the first semester of their senior year, that he’d never wanted to risk their friendship. They were only talking in hypothetical terms after two of their friends decided to take things one step further and become boyfriend and girlfriend, but it became clear to Kurt then that his crush on Blaine would never evolve into anything more, that he'd do best to suppress those feelings rather than let them grow. That's when he decided to apply for college in Nashville.

They never talked about it again, there was no need, Kurt had received the message loud and clear. It was probably a wise call from Blaine, only Kurt didn't see that until years later. Feelings only complicated things and he didn't want to complicate things with Blaine. He valued the ease of their friendship too much. But it was difficult to stand by and watch him fall in love, knowing it would never be him. So he changed his college plans and Blaine didn't talk to him for two weeks. It was their first real fight, but they got over that too, eventually, and their friendship was restored.

“I remember all of our friends thinking we would end up together,” Blaine says, bringing Kurt back to the present.

There was that too, their friends giving them, not so subtle, hints about them being a perfect match for each other. They just laughed it off then, and that's what Kurt does now too. He's passed it and Blaine never had those feelings for him.

“Yeah, they were pretty adamant about it,” he says and rolls his eyes for good measure. “Tina never shut up about it. But we knew better of course. We knew that whatever they thought they saw between us was only us being us, the way we had always been, only now we had one more thing that we connected over. It was quite funny how they assumed we were secretly hooking up.”

“Yeah…” Blaine says, his voice suddenly distant and melancholy.

Kurt ignores the change in Blaine's voice. He doesn't know what it means, doesn't want to know. He's just going to get through this moment, the same way he does every other moment his Blaine feelings resurfaces, by pressing them right back down again.

“They even had a betting list, did you know?” Kurt asks. “Betting on when we'd become boyfriends. Mercedes told me after we had graduated and I had moved away. Everybody lost apparently. I mean, obviously.”

“I knew. Sam told me junior year.”

“You knew?? While they were placing bets?” Kurt is surprised, but Blaine's nod confirms. “Why didn't you tell me?” Kurt thought Blaine told him everything, but now he finds out he's been keeping secrets. He has to admit it stings a little. It doesn't matter that he's been keeping one big secret from Blaine for eight years, this is different.

“I didn't want it to be weird for you.”

“Why would it be weird for me? I already knew they wanted to pair us up.”

“I don't know.” Blaine shrugs. He shifts on his feet, his gaze faltering. “Because I didn't like it? Because I thought if you knew you'd feel uncomfortable?” Blaine fidgets with his own hands as he speaks.

It strikes him then that Blaine is nervous. He always fidgets like that when nervous or uncomfortable. Kurt is sure Blaine isn't uncomfortable around him but why would he be nervous to talk about their friends betting money on when they would kiss or hook up or whatever it was, Mercedes wasn't very explicit about that, it all happened so long ago.

There's something off with Blaine, but Kurt can't figure out exactly what or why, but he's not himself. Kurt decides it's time to change subject. Blaine's the one bringing up their coming out and their friends’ reactions to it, but if he's going to be weird about it, Kurt rather talk about something else. Okay, he'd rather talk about anything else even if Blaine was his normal self.

“What do you think would have happened if we did become boyfriends back then?” Blaine asks suddenly. “Hypothetically, I mean.”

_What do I think? I think I would have been the happiest guy on earth!_

“Hypothetically?” Kurt laughs. “I think it would have been a disaster.” He can't tell Blaine the truth, there's no point anymore.

“Disaster?” Blaine scrunches his nose. _God why does he has to look so adorable doing that?_ “Why?”

“Why risk our friendship,” Kurt says, knowing now what Blaine knew all those years ago.

“It never crossed your mind? Not even once?”


	2. Kurt

**Kurt**

_It never crossed your mind?_ _Not even once?_

Only like a bazillion times, but again, there's no point in saying that. He values their friendship too much. He can't tell Blaine he was in love with him. That Blaine is the reason he realized he was gay in the first place. It would surely mess with the friendship he's now finally comfortable in again.

“I thought we were only talking about this hypothetically,” Kurt says instead, avoiding the question. Why is Blaine asking him that anyway? He never wanted to be Kurt's boyfriend. Sure there were those vibes at the end of junior year but it was probably only Kurt reading the signs of Blaine's imminent nervous breakdown all wrong. There's been no signs before or after.

Except for that one kiss. But they were both drunk and Blaine threw up directly after their lips parted. They never talked about it afterwards and Kurt doesn't know if Blaine even remembers.

“We are,” Blaine quickly assures. “Of course we are. Never mind, it was just a stupid question.” Then he laughs. “You don't have look so scared. I was only trying to figure out the mind of teenage Kurt Hummel.”

Kurt feels his cheeks heat up. Of course Blaine was only being Blaine. There's never been a hidden agenda when it comes to him. He's thankful the darkness of the winter night hides his tinged cheeks from Blaine's gaze. He doesn't need the embarrassment of trying to explain those. Instead he laughs with Blaine, hoping things will get normal between them again.

“Do you have something more in that basket of yours?” Kurt turns his eyes down to Blaine's feet. He knows what's in there, and right now he could use it. For a second there, there was something in Kurt's heart that shouldn't be there, something similar to hope. He wants to quash it before it grows too big. He doesn't need hope. He doesn't _want_ hope. Kurt Hummel doesn't do hope when it comes to Blaine Anderson anymore.

“I do,” Blaine smiles, “but it's not midnight yet.”

“Who cares, we're not going to drink a whole bottle at midnight anyway.”

Blaine looks down. Then up again with a mischievous smile on his face. “You're right.”

From the basket he pulls out two champagne flutes and hands them to Kurt. Next he brings out the bottle. Kurt can see that it's the real deal, not one of those cheap bottles of sparkling wine they usually drink. Which is usually all they can afford.

“Impressive choice,” Kurt says and nods towards the bottle.

“I thought tonight was worth celebrating.”

“Celebrating?” Kurt frowns. He can't think of anything special they could be celebrating tonight.

“Just a second,” Blaine says and aims the bottle away from Kurt.

Blaine opens the bottle with a loud pop and Kurt watches the cork fly over the fence into Blaine's back yard. He holds up the flutes for Blaine to pour some of the golden blonde liquid into them. The bubbles whizzes through the liquid like shooting stars, whirling and spiraling upwards until they break the surface. Around them a few early fireworks shoots across the sky, temporarily lightening up the dark night in bright colors.

“Tonight we're celebrating that we've been best friends for fifteen years,” Blaine explains as he fills up the glasses. “I know it's fifteen and some months since you moved here, but don't you remember that first New Year’s Eve?”

Kurt shakes his head, he doesn't remember New Year’s Eve fifteen years ago.

“You said I was your best friend. I'd never had a best friend before you moved in next door. Don't you remember?” Blaine looks at him with those big, excited, expectant eyes that always made Kurt's knees a little weak. Especially when they moved into their twenties and he wasn't exposed to them every day. They don't anymore, of course.

Kurt doesn’t feel like a best friend right now. He doesn't remember. He should, but those words must have left a bigger impression on Blaine than it did on him. He must have thought Blaine was his best friend so many times in his head, that saying it out loud didn't seem like a big deal to him. But it was to Blaine.

Kurt hasn't been a good friend in years, not really. When he thinks about it, he's been a terrible friend. He moved away for very selfish reasons, he's been dishonest and he's kept his distance, because it was too painful to be close. He tried to find something wrong in every one of Blaine's boyfriends, and even if he didn't succeed, it still makes him a crappy friend.

Kurt's reasons for wanting to drink keeps piling up and without thinking too much about it, he downs all of the bubbly liquid in his glass.

“Okay…” Blaine says with a raised eyebrow. He doesn't comment further, but instead fills up Kurt's glass again.

Once the bottle is back in the basket, Blaine takes one of the flutes from Kurt and raises it. “To you, for being my most amazing friend. For always having my back and being there when I needed you. I don't know how I'd gotten through my life without you. Our friendship means more to me than I can explain and I don't ever want to be without you. Here's to the best fifteen years of my life!”

“And to fifty more!” Kurt adds and once more he downs all the bubbly liquid. _For being there when I needed you._ Kurt knows that isn't true. At least not during the time since graduation. He's been 333 miles away. He knows, he looked it up. He didn't move 333 miles in the opposite direction because he's the most amazing friend.

He picks up the bottle from the basket and fills up his glass again. He downs that one too, quickly, and fills it up again. Hopefully the alcohol will take away the guilt, make him feel less like a coward.

“Woah,” Blaine says, “take it easy, Kurt. We want some of that champagne to last till midnight.”

“It warms me. The alcohol warms my body,” Kurt explains. At least it's partly true. His teeth chatter, his fingers and legs are freakishly cold, the rest of his body is getting there too.

“Oh my God, your lips are turning blue,” Blaine says with both alarm and concern. “I hate you right now for being so fucking stubborn. You could freeze to death, Kurt!”

“I'm not going to freeze to death, Blaine,” Kurt says and rolls his eyes at the exaggeration.

“No you're not, not while I'm around.”

Blaine takes the glass from Kurt's hand and puts both of the glasses on the snow-covered grass. Kurt stares at the glasses, thinking that they're going to tip over at any time and wouldn't that be a shame. Somewhere above the sound of fireworks fizzing and crackling, the sound of a zipper being pulled down or up, reaches Kurt's ears. He looks up at Blaine to see him standing there with his down jacket unzipped, holding it open with both hands, waiting for Kurt to step in close and be wrapped up in both the jacket and in Blaine.

“Come here, let me warm you.”

“It's okay, it's not that bad.” Being wrapped up in Blaine sounds like heaven. He will be nice and warm and Kurt's frozen body could use some of that warmth, but it will also be torture. Sweet, wonderful torture of having Blaine all around him. The touch of his skin against Kurt's, the smell of his cologne just under his nose. His heartbeat just a layer of clothes away. Kurt can’t do that tonight.

“One day your stubbornness will be your death,” Blaine says and takes a step forward.

Before Kurt has the chance to protest again, Blaine has wrapped the down jacket and his arms around Kurt. The sudden warmth all around him is just as heavenly as Kurt imagined, and more. He leans into Blaine and lets himself enjoy being surrounded by a fluffy cloud of down and wool. He sneaks his arms around Blaine's waist and holds him. For a few seconds he closes his eyes and wonders if this is what it would feel like to be Blaine’s boyfriend.

“Much better, right?” Blaine's voice is warm, just like his embrace.

Kurt lets out a sound he wants to take back immediately because it sounds like a muffled, pleased moan. “You know I hate when you're right,” he says with feigned irritation.

“I know,” Blaine says in his soft teasing voice, just next to Kurt's ear, making Kurt shiver. He can only hope Blaine thinks it’s because of the cold. “That's why I have to force your stubborn ass to do things sometimes. But you know I'm always right.”

“That's why I hate you,” Kurt mutters.

“That's why you love me,” Blaine corrects softly.

 _That's why I_ loved _him. Because he knows me better than I know myself._ But he doesn't love Blaine anymore, not like he used to.

“No, I'm pretty sure that's why I hate you,” Kurt mutters again, but this time there's no doubt it's only pretend.

“Stubborn,” Blaine counters and Kurt bites his lips to not grin like an idiot.

Kurt slowly begins to thaw, Blaine's body heat embraces his frozen body like a cocoon, and they stand like that for a few minutes without speaking. Kurt nuzzles his head into the crook of Blaine's neck, his cold nose pressing into warm skin and Kurt could stay there forever.

From the other side of the garden they hear people leaving the house and entering the garden. Kurt guesses that it must be close to midnight and that his dad’s and Carole’s guests are coming out to watch the fireworks. He ignores them, they won’t be able to see them back there in the darkest corner in the garden anyway.

“I wish life could always be as simple as this. Just you and me without a care in the world,” Blaine says with a new found heaviness in his voice. “Do you remember how we would just lie here in the shade, with your head on my stomach, and watch the clouds fly by while we talked about anything that came to mind?”

“Those were my favorite moments,” Kurt says, remembering too.

“You would tell a stupid joke and I would laugh so hard, your head would bounce off my stomach.”

Kurt chuckles at the memory. It was a good time, a simple and easy time before things got complicated. “Or you would comb your fingers through my hair while telling me about your parent’s latest fight.”

“Or my latest crush,” Blaine adds. “Or you yours.”

They did that too, before they came out but perhaps even more after. Mostly it was Blaine who found new, interesting guys to focus his attention on, because Kurt's biggest crush was always Blaine. But Kurt had a few other crushes of his own, some made up and some real, and he was the first one of them to have a boyfriend. At one point he had to realize he and Blaine were never going to happen, that he did best to get over those feelings. That's when he met Chandler.

It was just after Blaine had said he’d never wanted to risk their friendship and Kurt had decided to move to Nashville. Chandler was sweet and innocent and a perfect first boyfriend. They stayed at kissing and some touching, neither wanting to venture into anything more. No Chandler wasn't the guy he lost his virginity to, that happened later, in Nashville, after he'd given up on the last lingering hope that it would be Blaine.

Blaine's first real boyfriend was a guy called Blake. Kurt never met him, never wanted to. He made up excuses to not visit Blaine in Columbus during those months. He couldn't stand seeing Blaine with someone else. He wanted Blaine to be happy of course, and he was happy for him that he had found someone, he truly was, but the idea of watching Blaine kiss someone made his stomach turn inside out. Besides, the names Blaine and Blake together made him want to laugh. Or throw up. Sometimes both.

Later boyfriends he met. They were all nice guys, of course or Blaine wouldn't have dated them, and Kurt couldn't hate them no matter how much he wanted to.

“Speaking of crushes,” Kurt says, “what happened to Montgomery Allerton III?” He can barely contain his laughter when he pronounces _the third_. The suffix has become this joke between them, with Kurt calling it pretentious and Blaine calling it classy.

“He became too snobbish, even for me,” Blaine laughs. “You were right, I couldn't picture myself spending the rest of my days having Sunday brunch with Mr. & Mrs. Allerton II, their three dogs and their precious only son. I mean, what would my name be if I married him? Would I also be Mr. Allerton III?”

Kurt laughs into Blaine's neck. He's certain Blaine would have made an excellent Mr. Allerton III, but at the same time he knows Blaine would hate the fancy dinner parties and the certain lifestyle he'd had to adjust to if he married someone like Montgomery.

“At least he was good looking,” Kurt comments. Blaine had always chosen the pretty ones, Montgomery was no exception.

“At least he was that,” Blaine says and Kurt can hear the smile in his voice. “To bad he wasn't good at saying no to his mother.”

“Why do we always find the guys with a broken past, or with too low self-esteem? Or too high for that matter,” Kurt adds, thinking of Simon, the guy he met when he moved to Nashville and whom he regretfully lost his virginity to.

“Or with mummy issues,” Blaine adds with a soft chuckle and Kurt can't help but to nod and laugh too. “What happened to Adam, by the way?” Blaine asks. “I thought you two had something good going on, and now I found out you've broken up. What happened there?”

“The English accent was sexy at first, but you can't build a relationship on that,” Kurt jokes. “The crazy thing is that he had no broken past, no self-esteem problems, and no mummy issues. But the spark just wasn't there.”

“Bad in bed?” Blaine teases.

“Not that bad,” Kurt says and pinches Blaine's side, making Blaine squirm and yelp out in surprise. Adam wasn't the best he'd had, but far from the worst either. “Just not the one.”

“Better luck next time?”

“I think I'm gonna stay off guys for a while. Put all of that attention on myself instead.”

“You can't give up, Kurt. He's out there somewhere, you just haven't found him yet.”

 _I have. I'm just not the one for him._ And sadly, Blaine might not be the one for Kurt either.

Kurt shrugs and quickly puts that thought away. It's no use. Maybe it's just as well. What they have is so much better than a relationship that can be broken and destroyed. Kisses and sex, as amazing as that is, it brings expectations and pressure. It's not what he wants their relationship to become.

What they have is uncomplicated. Like now. This is nice. This is them. Sharing, joking and understanding each other. Why would he ever want to change this? Why would he want to complicate something that is so simple, so easy, and so right? Being Blaine's friend is more than he could ever wish for. If he can have this for the rest of his life, he will die a lucky and happy old man.

This is what he realized after he met Adam. Adam was the first guy who made Kurt picture a future with someone who wasn't Blaine, who made it seem like a plausible future, a future he wanted, and for the first time he was able to put himself in Blaine's clothes that September day when he said he'd never risk their friendship, and see it from his point of view.

“Do you regret any of the choices you've made in life?” Blaine asks out of nowhere.

A year ago Kurt could have made a long list of things he regretted. Not telling Blaine how he felt. Moving to Nashville to escape Blaine. Lying to Blaine. One night stands with near strangers to stop himself from thinking about Blaine with his new boyfriend. To name a few. Now, though, he's knows it's all for the better. Blaine is smarter than him and he was right about this too. He's always right.

“No, not really,” Kurt says and leans his head back to look at Blaine. For the first time since he was fourteen he's able to look at Blaine without feeling that swoop in his stomach, that feeling of wanting something you cannot have and the ache and loneliness that follows. For once he's able to look at Blaine and see his amazing friend and be so, so grateful for having him as his ally in life. His mind has been playing tricks with him tonight and it’s all because Blaine insisted on this trip down memory lane. Kurt wasn’t prepared for all the feelings to come back, but they’re only memories, it's not how he feels now.

“None?”

Kurt shakes his head. “Do you?”

“Only that I didn’t do this sooner,” Blaine says and leans in.


	3. Blaine

** Blaine **

It must be midnight because there are fireworks everywhere - in the sky, in Blaine's belly, in his heart. On his lips. He's been waiting for the right moment to kiss Kurt. Waiting since Kurt first called his name from across the garden. Waiting for years if he's to tell the truth. Waiting to let out the feelings he’s been keeping under tight reigns for so long.

It's his reason for taking a trip down memory lane, for telling Kurt he misses him when he's not around, for holding his hands, for holding him in his arms, for telling him that them together is simple, for asking about crushes and telling him the right guy is out there ( _he's right in front of you!_ ), for buying champagne, for everything he's done tonight.

He should have told Kurt years ago, but he's been too much of a coward. Too afraid of the rejection. Not sure how'd he be able to look at Kurt if (when) Kurt told him his heart was on a one way track to unrequited-vile. But not anymore. He's willing to put himself out there, to risk making a fool of himself, for the chance of winning Kurt's heart.

He's not really risking anything, which is why he has the courage to do this tonight. He knows Kurt has feelings for him, too. Rachel isn't good at keeping secrets, which is why he hasn't told her or anyone but Sam about his own feelings for Kurt. Some of his past boyfriends figured it out, that his heart was somewhere else and not in their relationship.

He's been nervous, he's been feeling like he's going to throw up, and he's been trying not to let it show. He's been trying not to stare at Kurt's lips while he's waited for the right moment, the perfect moment, to kiss him. This is it. He found his moment. He's kissing Kurt. And thank God Kurt is kissing him back! Hesitantly at first, but then it's like he dives right into the kiss, forcefully and with desire, and Blaine stumbles backwards until his back is pressed against the thick trunk of the old oak tree, Kurt's lips against his, kissing, sucking all the air out of his lungs. Lips so soft and hard at the same time. Lips that taste of champagne and fireworks and his dreams coming true.

Lips that are too soon leaving his. Kurt takes a tentative step back. Then two, then three. He looks hesitant and scared.

“W-what are you doing?”

“What are we doing, you mean,” Blaine says, high on endorphins, catching his breath, confused as to why Kurt is backing away. It's creating a distance between them, a distance Blaine is desperate to erase. It doesn't make sense. He takes a step closer to Kurt, extending his hand to Kurt. “You kissed me too.”

“No, _you_ kissed me,” Kurt insists. “Why?”

Kurt doesn't take his hand, instead he just stands there, stiff, staring at him. “You have to know I'm in love with you, Kurt. You must have seen the signs.”

“No… No, no, there have been no signs. You haven't… You're not…” Confusion is slowly taking over, and Kurt appears lost for words.

It raises hope in Blaine. “Yes, Kurt! I've been trying to ignore it for so long, but I can't anymore. I don't want to.”

“You're in lo…?” Kurt shakes his head and Blaine want to erase all distance between them and say ‘Please believe me. I want to be with you!’, but instead he watches Kurt take another step back, knocking over the two glasses of champagne standing in the snow.

“But you told me you never…”

“Never what?” Blaine asks, still hoping Kurt will come to his senses and realize Blaine’s feelings are for real.

“You said you never wanted to risk our friendship by being boyfriends.”

Blaine frowns. “I've never said that. When did I say that?”

“You did! Senior year, right after Tina and Artie became boyfriend and girlfriend you told me that.”

“Really?” Blaine has truly no memory of saying he'd never wanted to be Kurt's boyfriend in high school. Why would he say that? He didn't realize he was in love with Kurt until later, after they moved in different directions and it became clear to him that the way he missed Kurt was bigger than him missing his best friend.

“Yes! You don't remember?” Kurt is beginning to sound angry. Why is he angry? Blaine doesn’t understand.

“No…” Blaine shakes his head hesitantly.

“I built my whole decision on moving to Nashville on the fact that you'd never want me the way I wanted you on those words and you don't remember!” Kurt almost yells the words and if it wasn’t for the display of fireworks in the sky sounding louder the people in the other end of the garden would surely hear him.

“I'm sorry, Kurt. But does it really matter now?” Blaine says as he realizes that Kurt just admitted to wanting him. He already knew of course, but to hear it from Kurt's lips is something else. It gives him reason to keep hoping and pressing. He just needs Kurt to listen to what he is really telling him, for Kurt to believe. “I'm in love with you. I want to be with you the way you want to be with me.”

Kurt looks at him and Blaine would give anything to know the thoughts in his head. “I can’t…” Kurt says slowly.

Blaine is confused. What does Kurt mean by _I can’t?_ “Why? I thought you felt the same for me. Rachel said…”

“I do…” Kurt says, but the quickly adds, “I mean, I did!”

“You _did_?” Blaine feels his hope falter. “You don't anymore?” he asks even though the thought scares him. _Am I too late? Did I wait too long?_ Fuck! _I should have told him when I was last in Nashville._

“It's not that easy.”

“Why not? I'm in love with you,” Blaine says, feeling like a parrot, but he needs Kurt to understand. “It can be easy, if you want it to…”

Kurt stares up at the sky. Fireworks are exploding everywhere and Blaine looks at his wristwatch. It's 0.01 am. It's a new year, but none of them are celebrating. The people in the other side of the garden are. They’re cheering and whishing each other a happy new year. Blaine wishes he and Kurt had a reason to cheer.

“I don't know what I want…” Kurt mumbles, barely audible over the loud bangs and whistles. His words fade out into the open space between them, as does Blaine's hope. He was so sure of how this night would turn out and it wasn't like this. He had plans for how they would start the new year and it didn't include them standing six feet apart.

Blaine has offered his heart to Kurt, but Kurt doesn't want it and now it's like someone ripped it out and all that's left is an empty space. Empty spaces shouldn't hurt, but the void in his chest is painful at best.

“Wait,” Kurt looks at him again and Blaine's entire attention is on Kurt, “Rachel said what?”

“What?” Blaine doesn't follow Kurt's line of thought.

“You said that Rachel said something. About me. What did she say?”

“She just said that she didn't understand why you were with Adam when you clearly still had feelings for me.”

“Oh my God! I can't believe she said that!” Kurt says with eyes wide open and his fists balling. “I'm going to kill her when I see her tomorrow!”

“Don't be mad at her. You know her, she doesn't think before she speaks. She probably didn't mean to give it away.” Why is Kurt getting so worked up about Rachel telling him? If he doesn’t have feelings for him it shouldn’t be such a big deal.

“It doesn't matter! She can't tell you that!”

“Why does it matter to you? You said you don’t feel that way about me anymore.

“I don’t, but she just... I've worked hard to get over you. I can't just…”

“You can't just what?”

“I just can't.” Kurt says, determined and definitively. He leaves no room to dispute or argue.

Blaine don't know what to think anymore. He isn't prepared for Kurt saying he's over him. He was so sure Kurt felt the same way, and now he doesn't know what to do. Does he just let it go? Admit defeat? Does he continue to argue for his own cause? Convince Kurt that they can be amazing together? But he doesn't want to have to convince Kurt. He wants Kurt to want to be with him because his heart desires it, not because Blaine talks him into it.

“Did you really move to Nashville because of me?” Blaine asks, needing to understand what happened.

“Yes!… I mean… Partly because of you. I was heartbroken and I couldn't stand the idea of going to college and watch you flirt with other guys. Watch you fall in love with them while I was standing by the sideline unable to say or do anything but have my heart get a little bit more broken every day.”

“Oh, Kurt…” Blaine wishes he could turn back time, figure out sooner his feelings for Kurt, understand what Kurt felt for him. Maybe then things would be different. Maybe Kurt would have moved to Columbus with him. Maybe they could have been boyfriends. But he can't turn back time and now there's nothing he can do. “I didn't know…”

“Of course you didn't. I didn't have the lead in the school musical for no reason. I didn't want you to know, especially not after you said you'd never wanted to risk our friendship. I can't believe you don't remember that.”

“I'm sorry?” Blaine says hesitantly, not sure if he should apologize for something he doesn't remember saying, but he thinks it's the right thing to do. “I wish I knew why I said it…”

“Because you’re an idiot.”

“Yes,” Blaine agrees slowly, “I am an idiot.” It’s true, he’s been so stupid. This whole night has been stupid. What was he thinking?

Kurt stands there, several feet away, looking at him for a long moment. “You’re not an idiot,” Kurt says with much less anger in his voice. The tension between them that seconds ago was tangible is gone. Something has changed in Kurt and he looks tired rather than angry. “Your timing is just the worst.”

Blaine can’t help the short snort of laughter coming over his lips. “It always is.”

Kurt smiles and instead of stepping back he takes a step closer to Blaine. “Can we have this conversation tomorrow instead? I’ve had I don’t know how many glasses of champagne and I don't want to fight with you on New Year’s Eve.”

Blaine doesn’t want to fight either. He doesn’t want things to become weird between them, Kurt is still his best friend and he can’t lose that. Maybe it’s just as well. Most relationships crash sooner or later and he can’t imagine not having Kurt in his life. God, he should never had said anything, but he was so sure… He should have known not to listen to Rachel. Who knows, maybe they’re still betting on them. Maybe she had this Christmas break.

“Okay,” Blaine says. “But can you please come back here, you’re still going to freeze to death if you don’t put on more clothes.” His heart is hurting, but he can handle it, he’s not seventeen anymore where a heartbreak would get him down for weeks. He just wants to save whatever he can of their friendship. His jacket is open for Kurt to walk right back into. Kurt looks at him and for a moment Blaine thinks Kurt will tell him that they better go their separate ways tonight and pick things up tomorrow, but Kurt doesn’t. He steps right back into Blaine’s arms. Blaine closes his jacket around Kurt and feels like he’s going break after all.

“I’m sorry,” Blaine whispers, wishing he could take it all back. But at least now Kurt knows. _Fuck!_ Things are going to be awkward no matter how much they pretend everything is as it always has been.

“Tomorrow,” Kurt mumbles into his neck, his body still shivering.

Blaine holds him tighter, even if it hurts. Fireworks are still shooting up around them, lightening up the sky in every imaginable color despite that it must be fifteen minutes past midnight. “Happy New Year.” He never got the chance to say it before.

“Happy New Year,” Kurt returns. “Should we toast? You brought the good champagne.”

Blaine shakes his head. He doesn’t think Kurt needs more champagne. Besides, he doesn’t feel like celebrating anymore. And he doesn’t want to let Kurt slip out of his arms, though he knows he’ll have to, eventually.

They stand like that without neither of them saying anything. Blaine watches the fireworks slowly die out. His feet are getting cold despite the good quality of his winter boots, but he waggles his toes to keep the circulation going. He's not ready to say good night to Kurt just yet.

"I'm sorry," Kurt says, so low it's barely a whisper.

Kurt has nothing to be sorry about. It's not his fault Blaine should have said something years ago. "Tomorrow," Blaine says softly and Kurt hugs him a little tighter. Maybe they'll be okay after all.

"Do you still want to sleep over?" Blaine asks. It's what they'd planned. Blaine's mother and step father are in New York for New Year’s weekend and he has the whole house to himself. If tonight had gone the way Blaine had planned he and Kurt would have taken opportunity of that fact and Blaine would have known what it was like to have sex with Kurt. Now, he'll have to keep guessing for the rest of his life.

Kurt nods against his shoulder and Blaine breathes out in relief. They're still okay. He takes off his jacket and puts it around Kurt's shoulders. Kurt doesn't object, which is not like him. Blaine picks up the knocked over glasses, put them back in the basket next to the half empty bottle of champagne. Kurt follows him in silence as he walks across the snow covered lawn to the front of the Hummel home and then over to his own home. Blaine can tell Kurt is thinking, processing, and so he lets him be.

Once inside, they tiptoe around each other, trying not to be in the other's way as they brush their teeth and undress. They lay silently in bed, staring up into the dark ceiling, and though they are next to each other it's like they are miles apart. Blaine turns on his side with his back against Kurt. He misses Kurt even though he’s right there. He wants to pretend everything is okay between them, but it isn't, not really. He closes his eyes to hold back his tears. How did tonight turn into this?

Kurt kissed him back, fiercely, Blaine is sure of that. He pressed Blaine against the old oak tree and Blaine felt Kurt's eager against his groin. Why did Kurt kiss him like that if he didn't feel something for him too? But Kurt was drunk, just like the first time they kissed. Blaine remembers the exact way Kurt kissed him then even if he was drunk too. It was the same way he kissed Blaine tonight. Was Kurt in love with him then? He was in love with Kurt, he had been for a few months. He wanted to talk about the kiss but he was too embarrassed about throwing up right after their lips parted to say anything, and when Kurt never brought it up it just sort of fizzled out.

Kurt turns on his side too, Blaine can feel the shift in the bed. Blaine's chest is tight, contracted, and he feels as if he can't breathe. It would have been better if they went their separate ways, because sleeping next to Kurt when they're not talking and when they both have their backs towards each other is too painful. It feels too much like their fighting. It's a feeling Blaine hoped he would never experience again.

But then he feels Kurt moving closer, pressing his body ever so lightly against Blaine’s back, and Blaine can breathe again. Kurt’s arm sneak around his waist. He is done thinking. Blaine places his hand on top of Kurt’s, a gentle touch to connect them again, the way they've always been connected. He knows Kurt said to wait until tomorrow, but he can’t wait. There are things he wants to know. Technically it’s already tomorrow.

“When did you fall in love with me?” Blaine asks into the darkness, hoping Kurt will talk to him.

Kurt is silent for a while and Blaine wonders if he’s considering whether he should answer or not. But then he does and the answer surprises him. “At fourteen I think. There wasn't an exact moment, it kind of slowly dawned on me. You're the reason I knew I was gay.”

“Oh… wow.” Blaine doesn't know what to say to that, but he feels strangely honored.

“And you? When did you fall in love with me?” Kurt asks.

“When we were twenty. After you visited me in Columbus that spring. You were so nice towards Collin even though I could tell you hated him.”

“I didn't hate him,” Kurt interjects. “I was just in love with you.”

“You hated him,” Blaine says softly, “but you were still so cool around him, around us, and it made me realize what an incredible person you are. I knew that before, of course, you're my most amazing friend, but after that weekend it just hit me. I'd been looking in all the wrong places when all I'd ever wanted was right in front of me.”

“That was three years ago. Why didn't you tell me sooner?” There’s pain in Kurt’s voice and a little bit of accusation, and it makes Blaine’s belly churn. He wonders the same, things might have been so different now. But he's not the only one who kept quiet.

“Why didn't you tell me? Fourteen, Kurt? That's almost ten years ago.”

“I was going to, I tried to, but my timing was always off and then you said you'd never-”

“God I hate that I said that,” Blaine groans, covering his face with his hands. “I wish I never had, then maybe-”

“It doesn't matter, you didn't feel that way about me then. It wouldn't have made a difference.”

“Maybe not…” _Maybe it would have made all the difference._ “But you were much more courageous than me. I have no excuse for not telling you my feelings other than I was scared of the rejection. You never showed any signs of liking me like that. Not after I started to look for them anyway.”

“I told you, I'm a great actor.” Blaine can hear the traces of a smile in Kurt's voice. “Too good, maybe.”

Kurt laughs, a laughter that slowly dies on its way out and silence falls between them. Blaine is too late. There's nothing more he can do and. It hurts, but at least they can still be friends, perhaps even closer than before. They're sharing thoughts and they're sharing a bed and though it's not in the way Blaine wants to, he still feels closer to Kurt than he ever has. Maybe it's just because Kurt's chest is pressed against his back. Maybe it's because they're finally being completely honest with each other. There's just one more question left to ask.

“What happened? When did you fall out of love with me?” Blaine holds his breath. He's not ready to hear how many weeks or months or years too late he is, but he has to know so that he can start to heal his broken heart.

The question hangs between them for seconds, minutes maybe, remains unanswered, until Kurt is ready.

“I don't know if I have.”


	4. Kurt

**Kurt**

_When did you fall out of love with me?_

_I don't know if I have._

Kurt's heart is beating so hard he wonders if Blaine can feel it against his back. He's been telling himself he's over Blaine for over a year now, but it's a lie he has used to deceive himself into believing he's not stuck in feelings that won't lead anywhere, he knows that now. He has never been over Blaine. The kiss took him by surprise, as did Blaine's declaration of love, so much he didn't believe Blaine. So much he kept denying his own feelings.

He had convinced himself Blaine was smart when he said he'd never wanted to risk their friendship by becoming boyfriends. Words that Blaine didn't even remember. It made Kurt furious. How could he not remember? Those were words that had followed Kurt for six years. Words Kurt had based life decisions on. The many glasses of champagne flowing through his blood stream, affecting his judgment, made him overreact. He knows that now too, but by the time he realized it was too late to take it back.

He was embarrassed by his own reaction, so much he couldn't talk about it, not out there in the cold winter night with his lower body almost numb and with so much hurt and confusion all over Blaine’s face.

Now Blaine is asking him when he fell out of love with him and he knows he will always love him. He always has, since he knew what it was like to love someone in that way. Kurt can feel Blaine's heart pounding too, hear him holding his breath. His body is completely still, as if he's too afraid Kurt won't say anything more if he moves.

"You haven't?" There's so much hope hidden in those two words it makes Kurt’s pulse flutter.

"No." Kurt presses his body closer to Blaine, nuzzles his head against his shoulder and breathes in. His senses are filled with the smell of Blaine and it's intoxicating. He doesn't care if his cock is twitching in his underwear or if Blaine can feel it. For the first time in his life he is honest about his feelings to Blaine.

"But out there…" Blaine's body stiffens a little in Kurt's arms. He's confused, and rightly so because Kurt hasn't made sense tonight.

"I was the idiot. Can you forgive me?"

It takes a few seconds, maybe five, but then Blaine shifts on the bed and they're face to face. "I'm the idiot. I had this whole plan and I just assumed you would be on the same wavelength as me. I didn't think-"

Even in the darkness Kurt can see the sparkle in Blaine's eyes as he places a finger on Blaine's lips to hush him. Eyes so beautiful Kurt would do anything to make them always shine like that and never again take on the hurt look they had outside.

"I'm in love with you," Kurt says, just to make it clear, and removes his finger again.

"I'm in love with you," Blaine replies.

Time stands still as they look into each other's eyes. There's so much Kurt wants to say, about how much he loves Blaine, how sorry he is about all the time they've wasted not being honest, but the words get stuck on his tongue on their way out.

Blaine traces Kurt's lips lightly with the tip of his finger. Kurt can barely breathe, the touch is so sensual, so featherlight, it sends shivers through his body.

"Is it okay if I kiss you?" Blaine asks. Kurt's head moves in a nod on the pillow. "You won't push me away?"

"I won't push you away."

Blaine leans in and his lips brushes so lightly, so tender against Kurt’s that he would swear he imagines it if it wasn't for the shudder that wracks through him. No one has ever kissed him like this, so light yet so powerful, like it's everything that exists.

Kurt's heart thunders in his chest. His hand goes up to Blaine’s cheek, holds him and cherishes him. He kisses Blaine back like he's the most wonderful, exquisite being. Blaine tastes like toothpaste and champagne and Kurt wants to capture the taste, hold on to it forever. When Blaine's tongue twists around his, Kurt inhales sharply and his hand moves up into Blaine's hair, tugging gently. Kurt can feel Blaine smile into the kiss and Kurt feels like Blaine just handed him the world.

"You're not going to throw up now, are you?" Kurt asks when their lips part, trying to contain his smile but it's impossible when Blaine pulls him into a hug and chuckles softly into his hair.

"I didn't think you remembered."

"Remember? It was quite an unforgettable moment."

"Oh God…"

Kurt leans back to look at Blaine. His cheeks are slightly tinged but his smile tells the story of someone truly happy. It's then that it hits Kurt. Blaine is in love with him, and he knows Kurt is in love with him too. His belly swoops and he's tingly all over.

"Are we really doing this?" Kurt asks.

"Yes. If it's what you want."

"I've wanted it since I was fourteen." Of course he wants it! Pretending otherwise has only been a charade.

"Then we're really doing it." Blaine's hand finds his. He laces their fingers together and squeezes lightly.

Kurt looks down at their linked hands. They look so right together and everything feels so perfect. It scares Kurt a little bit. Nothing is ever perfect.

"What if we screw it up?" He's been living with Blaine’s words for so long he's afraid they'll become self-fulfilling.

"Then we try again, and we get it right the second time around." Blaine seems so sure they'll make it, it fills Kurt with faith too. "I'm not letting you slip away that easily, you mean too much to me."

Kurt leans in to kiss Blaine again. He could get used to this, kissing Blaine whenever he wants to. There’s nothing featherlight about this kiss, it's intense and purposeful. He wraps his leg around Blaine's and there's nothing separating them but their underwear. Blaine is obviously hard but so is Kurt. He presses closer to Blaine, loving the feeling of Blaine right there. He's dreamt of this moment, when he'll finally get to be with Blaine, jerked off to fantasies about it, but never believed he'd actually get to live it. Reality is so much sweeter than fantasy, Kurt knows that now.

Kurt shivers a little when Blaine's fingers creep under the waistband of his underwear. They're soft and warm from holding Kurt's hand and they trace down the skin of Kurt's ass. Kurt rolls on top of Blaine and looks into his eyes. They're black as coffee and blown wide with want. Kurt pushes his hips down lightly and Blaine elicits a moan so full of lust and need that the sound alone almost makes Kurt come. He dives into another kiss, because he can and because Blaine's so beautiful under Kurt it hurts to look at him.

Blaine pushes his tongue into Kurt's mouth and his hips against Kurt's. His hands grips Kurt's ass tighter and pulls him down. The next second they're peeling off Kurt's underwear and Kurt has to close his eyes and breathe through his nose.

"Is it too much?" Blaine asks. There's worry there, hidden under layers of desire.

Kurt quickly opens his eyes. There's a worried crinkle between Blaine's eyebrows. "No, no," he hurries to say. "I want this. I want you."

The crinkle disappears. Blaine moves his hands to Kurt's face, holds him, and kisses him deeply. "I want you, too."

"I want to be inside you." Kurt already knows that Blaine likes to bottom, Blaine shared that with him once, and telling Blaine this doesn't feel like he has to hold his breath waiting for Blaine's response.

" _Shit, Kurt…_ " Blaine nods, and now he's the one closing his eyes and biting his lower lip.

Kurt kisses his way down Blaine's body, nips and licks at his nipples and dips his tongue into his belly button. Blaine lets out small, needy whimpers that has heat pooling low in Kurt's belly and makes him want to forget about foreplay and push right into Blaine. He doesn't, of course, because he wants so much more from this moment.

There's a damp spot on Blaine's underwear when Kurt slides them off, and when he takes Blaine's cock in his mouth and closes his lips around its tip the taste of pre cum is right there on his tongue and Kurt feels dizzy. If Blaine's sounds were needy before, it's nothing to the low groans that comes over his lips now. He clutches the sheets as Kurt's lips tighten around him and start moving up and down his length. Blaine's cock is long and slender and just right in Kurt's mouth. Kurt has to force himself to not stop and stare at it, it's the only part of Blaine he's never seen before. He hollows his cheeks for better contact and sucks Blaine's cock deeper into his mouth. He can't believe he's actually doing this, tasting Blaine and making him sound like he's so, so desperate for more.

" _Fuck. Kurt."_ Blaine moans his name and Kurt can tell he's trying to hold back, to not fuck desperately into his mouth, though Kurt kind of wished he would.

With one final suck he let's go of Blaine and traces his tongue down the thick vein on the underside of his cock. Blaine whimpers when Kurt's mouth leaves his cock and he thrusts up, searching for it. One day he'll make Blaine come using just his mouth, but that day is not tonight. Tonight he wants more.

Blaine spreads his legs wide as Kurt’s tongue finds its way down to his hole. With trying licks he explores the skin around Blaine's hole before gently pushing the tip of his tongue inside the tight ring of muscles.

" _Fuck!_ " Blaine cries out, unable to hold back, and Kurt is so, so ready for more of him to be inside Blaine. He pushes his tongue deeper, the wanting sounds coming from Blaine spurring him on.

With a gentle tap on Kurt's head a bottle is presented to him. "I need more. _Please_ , I…" The look in Blaine's eyes is nothing but lustful desperation and Kurt understands. He quickly takes the bottle and soon he has one finger inside Blaine, pushing deep. He sits back and looks at Blaine, so vulnerable and gorgeous under his touch Kurt wants to give him the world. He adds a second finger, pushing deeper inside, searching and finding. Blaine's breaths come out short and shallow, his moans deep and urgent. When Kurt's finger brushes over his prostate, Blaine's back arches of the bed and Kurt thinks Blaine is just at the edge.

"Condom?" Kurt asks and pulls out his fingers. Blaine whimpers from the loss of contact but quickly finds the condom lying on the nightstand and hands it to Kurt. Blaine is so utterly gorgeous, lying there naked, with legs spread wide and his cock hard and heavy on his belly. Kurt's cock grows impossibly harder and he can't wait to be inside Blaine and feel him all around him.

Kurt leans down and captures Blaine's lips in a kiss, already missing the way they feel against his own. He takes Blaine's cock in his hand and strokes it while deepening the kiss.

 _"Please, Kurt,_ " Blaine begs and the urgency in his voice has Kurt sitting back and fumble with the condom. He's suddenly struck by nerves, realizing he's about to fuck Blaine. What if he's not as good as Blaine’s previous boyfriends? What if he's not good at all?

When Kurt drops the condom a second time, Blaine sits up and takes it from him. "Don't be nervous, baby, I want you," he says, his voice a husky whisper, as if he can read Kurt's mind. "Lay down and let me do this."

Blaine calling him baby has Kurt falling even deeper for the man he's been in love with for nine years. He didn't think it was possible but apparently he was wrong. Kurt kisses Blaine one more time before laying down on the bed, looking up at Blaine with expecting eyes. Blaine unwraps the condom with such ease Kurt thinks it's a little bit unfair that Blaine is so put together when he is obviously not. But then Blaine takes Kurt's cock in his hand and all those thoughts are gone. He pumps up and down a few times and now Kurt's the one cursing, pleading for Blaine to hurry up.

Blaine rolls the condom down Kurt's length and slicks it up. Straddling him, he guides Kurt's cock to his ass and then, _finally_ , he sinks down in one swift move. Kurt can feel the moment he pushes through Blaine's opening, how everything becomes tight and warm around him and how he's already too close to the edge. The moan coming out of Blaine when Kurt enters him is long and filled with suppressed feelings that don't have to be held back any longer. He pauses to look at Kurt when he is all the way down and takes a shivering breath. Blaine's eyes on Kurt are intense and loving. They watch him, _see_ him, and it's almost too much. Kurt clutches the sheets, thrusts up and moans shamelessly because no other man has ever made him feel this wanted.

Kurt's hands let's go of the sheet and traces up Blaine's thighs until they land on his waist. There are goosebumps there, all over his skin and they're not from Blaine being cold. Three little words are at the tip of Kurt’s tongue but he bites them back until another, more appropriate time in the future when they don't feel too soon, and instead guides Blaine to start moving. The drag of Blaine all around his cock sends sparks of pleasure through his body and he can't help but meet Blaine's movements and thrust deeper into him.

Blaine is devastatingly beautiful rising up and sinking down on Kurt with his cock bouncing hard and heavy on Kurt's belly. Kurt takes it in his hand and pumps up and down, his thumb grazing his slit and smearing the pre cum leaking out there. Blaine clenches harder around his cock and Kurt thinks he must have done it wrong all the other times he's had sex.

" _Shit_ , you feel so good," he tells Blaine, "soo fucking good, Blaine."

Blaine groans and leans down to kiss him. Kurt takes Blaine's face in both hands so he can _really_ kiss him, deep and purposeful. Blaine’s hands are on the pillow next to Kurt's head, clutching the fabric as he kisses back with the same fire. Blaine's cock drag between them and Kurt thrusts deep into Blaine, hitting just the right spot, judging by the throaty groans escaping Blaine.

" _Fuck! Right there…"_ he mumbles into Kurt's mouth before he goes back to kissing him.

Kurt thrusts again, and again, each thrust deeper. Each thrust hitting Blaine's prostate a little harder. Blaine clenches around him and Kurt's thrusts comes faster. He's so close and everything is so delicious and suddenly there's urgency in him. He should slow down, make it last, make sure Blaine comes before him, but he can't hold back. He's wanted Blaine for so long and sex with Blaine is so much better than any fantasy he could ever make up and he just can't stop when everything feels so. fucking. good.

" _Kuurt!_ " Blaine cries out in ecstasy and then strings of warm, white cum spills out on Kurt's belly and Kurt practically explodes inside Blaine. He fucks into Blaine through all of it while still holding his face and kissing him with his tongue deep in Blaine's mouth until they're both out of breath and Blaine can't hold up his body any longer. He collapses on top of Kurt and Kurt wraps his arms around him, his fingertips tracing soothingly up and down his back.

After a long moment, Blaine lifts his head from Kurt's shoulder. He's disheveled and utterly gorgeous and he kisses Kurt while slowly sliding off him.

"You are amazing," Blaine whispers softly and places a featherlight kiss on his lips before laying down next to him, snuggling in close to his side.

Kurt finds Blaine's fingers with his and laces them together. He's kind of at lost for words right now, his mind too caught up in processing what just happened. He had sex with Blaine and that's kind of mind blowing.

"Are you okay?" Blaine asks with a smile in his voice.

"Yes, just recovering from a nine year old fantasy," Kurt confesses and turns his head slightly to meet Blaine's lips in one more kiss.

"Was I as good as in your fantasy?" Blaine asks trying to hide his curiosity behind a sweet chuckle, but Kurt knows it's there.

"Better. Soo much better."

Blaine nuzzles in closer. "So were you."

Kurt has regained enough energy to think about worldly things. He discards the condom and cleans them both with tissues from the nightstand. They'll need to shower later, but now he just wants to be close to Blaine. He pulls the cover back up over them and Blaine is right there by his side again, his head on Kurt's shoulder and their fingers laced together resting on Kurt's belly.

"I wanted you to be my first, you know," Kurt says, feeling comfortable in telling Blaine anything, though this shouldn't come as a surprise.

"I'm sorry I wasn't," Blaine says, kissing the skin on Kurt's chest.

"You weren't in love with me then. This is better." This is definitely better. At eighteen he didn't know what he liked or what made his lover feel good. It would have been clumsy and fumbling, like his first time actually was, and not good at all. He's actually glad that he's gotten all of those bad first experience out of the way with other people so that he can be confident with Blaine.

"I've kind of been thinking about this moment the whole day," Blaine confesses.

"You were pretty sure we were going to end up here, in your bed, weren't you?" Kurt asks and smiles into Blaine's hair.

"I had hopes," Blaine admits mischievously, but then something changes in his voice. "But then you pushed me away and they kind of crashed," Blaine traces patterns with his thumb over Kurt's knuckles. "What happened out there tonight? I want to understand."

Kurt stares up at the ceiling and doesn't answer right away. He knows what happened but he wants to find the right words to use to make sure Blaine really understands.

"I think I was afraid to trust you. Afraid to let myself believe," Kurt begins, feeling Blaine's eyes on him, watching but not judging. "I had accepted the fact that you and I were never going to happen and if I let down my guard and let hope find its way back into my heart only to find it wasn't so, that you didn't want me like that, I don't know if I would have been able to pull myself together again."

"But I kissed you, didn’t that tell you something about my feelings?"

"I know, but we'd had champagne and then I got mad you for not remembering." Blaine groans when Kurt brings that up and he quickly decides to never do it again, it's not his fault Kurt's been hung up on those words. "But then when it had sunk in that you really meant it, I didn't know how to tell you I was in love with you too when I'd just told you I wasn't. I'm really sorry I messed up our moment."

"It doesn't matter," Blaine says and brings their laced fingers up to his face and kisses the back of Kurt’s hand. "You figured out a way. Everything else is unimportant."

Kurt decides Blaine is right. He's lying in Blaine's bed with Blaine in his arms, spent after amazing sex, and how they got here doesn't really matter. He turns and faces Blaine, presses his lips and his whole body against Blaine's and kisses him like you'd kiss the person you've been in love with since your teenage years and now he's finally yours to kiss. Blaine entwine their legs and every part of their bodies are connected and who cares if they're still sticky on some parts.

Blaine rolls on top of Kurt and suddenly there's desire growing in Kurt again. "This time I want to be inside you," Blaine says, his eyes a shade shy of mischievous, and Kurt nods eagerly never expecting to hear those words from Blaine. It makes him eager to find out if there are more things he thinks he knows about Blaine that aren't so. Later, because now Blaine is making Kurt's thoughts incoherent with his tongue tracing down his inner thigh.


	5. Kurt

**Kurt**

The January morning is gray and pale. Hazy light filters through the curtains, landing on Blaine's cheek just below his eye. Kurt's been watching Blaine sleep for a while now, watched his chest peacefully rise and fall. He's as beautiful as ever but perhaps more so on this morning of the new year. Kurt's had time to think about last night, reply every scene in his mind and he's eager for Blaine to wake up so that he can kiss him again. Last night feels like a dream, but he knows that it isn't. He's naked in Blaine's bed and sore in places he couldn't be sore if he dreamt it all.

"Hey, you," Kurt says when Blaine’s long eyelashes finally flutter open. He tucks away a lock of hair that's fallen down on his forehead and let's his finger trace a line down his cheek.

"Mmm," Blaine purrs, "you're still here." Blaine stretches his body before snuggling into Kurt's side.

"Where else would I be?" Kurt holds him tight. He's so happy, so in love there aren't words strong enough in the English vocabulary to describe what he's feeling right then.

"I wasn't sure I'd dreamt it all, it has happened before." Blaine sighs blissfully into Kurt's embrace.

"Nope, not a dream," Kurt says. He tilts Blaine's face up with a gentle finger under his chin and kisses him. Just because. Blaine kisses him back and though it's just a soft kiss, Kurt can feel it all the way down to his toes. "I have very vivid memories from last night. And some sore body parts," he adds, smiling, when their lips part.

Blaine chuckles, remembering too. "Yeah…" he says dreamily, "that explains why I wake up hungry."

"Hungry for more? Already?" Kurt teases. "God, you’re insatiable." The truth is with memories of their two times the night before still fresh in his mind, Kurt is kind of looking forward to the third and fourth time already.

"Hungry for food, silly," Blaine says and kisses Kurt's lips one more time. "Although…"

"No, no," Kurt says, stopping Blaine before he can finish that thought or he might be too tempted to roll on top of Blaine again. "Dad is expecting us for breakfast and we're already late."

Blaine groans, but he's not really frustrated. "Are we telling him?"

"I think he will figure it out even if we don't because I don't intend to let go of your hand today." Or ever. Kurt has no intention to ever let Blaine go.

"That sounds like excellent intentions, only I'm not ready to let you out of my arms yet. Or at all this Christmas break."

"Cheesy," Kurt says, loving every second of it. Though it hits him then that in a few days he'll have to go back to Nashville and suddenly he hates his decision to move there.

"I'm entitled to be with my new boyfriend," Blaine says, extra cheesy.

"You are," Kurt says, becoming all warm and fuzzy from the way Blaine says the word _boyfriend_. He could get used to that. "And your boyfriend loves it, but unless you want dad to come searching for us and find us naked in bed together, I suggest we save that thought for later."

Kissing each other one more time, they get out of bed, both with obvious erections that a ten minute shower together takes care of. Kurt puts on the same jeans and white knitted cardigan he wore last night, and still without a coat or gloves he leaves Blaine's house, holding Blaine's hand.

Outside they are met by a white winter wonderland with fat snowflakes falling from the sky. It's cold and Blaine scolds Kurt once again for not bringing a coat or gloves. Kurt only laughs and kisses Blaine's cheek. He loves the how the world looks covered in snow and he loves his caring boyfriend. Besides, it's barely a hundred feet to his own front door and that's not enough to make him cold.

They stop to kiss one more time on the front porch of Kurt's home. Kurt can't stop the flutter of his heart or the flush in his cheeks when Blaine's tongue finds his. He can't get over that he's allowed to kiss Blaine, that Blaine wants him to. Cold hands sneak up to hold his cheeks and Kurt inhales sharply when they gracefully move into his hair. Kurt's hands slides low and possessive on Blaine's hips, holds him with no intention to let go.

When Blaine steps back, there's a flush in his cheeks too and his eyes sparkle in a shade of gold. Blaine has snowflakes in his hair and Kurt leans forward to brush them off. Blaine catches his hand when he's about to move away.

"I'm so happy right now," he says, low and intimate, with traces of seriousness. "You and me…" he trials off.

"I know," Kurt says, knowing what it's like to not find the right words to describe this thing between them. "I feel the same."

Blaine smiles and Kurt vows to himself to always make Blaine feel in a way that makes him smile like that, like Kurt is the most precious, adorable thing to exist.

They walk through the front door of Kurt’s childhood home hand in hand. The smell of coffee and freshly baked bread greets their noses on their way to the kitchen. The radio is playing a soft Christmas song in the background and Burt and Carole are sitting by the table drinking coffee and reading yesterday's newspaper, already finished with their breakfast. Any traces of the party from last night are gone, everything has been cleaned up and the house looks its normal self.

"Morning, kiddos." Burt sits with his back to them and must have heard them come inside because he doesn't look up from the newspaper. "Stayed up late?"

Kurt glances up at the old clock on the wall above the table and notices that it's after noon. He has no idea what time it was when they finally fell asleep, but he knows he's never slept as well as he did in Blaine's arms. "Kind off," Kurt answers and glances at Blaine instead wondering if he's also thinking about all the things they did last night.

Carole is the first to notice their linked hands and the goofy smiles on their lips. She looks excitedly at them. "Well isn't this wonderful! And about time," she adds with a wink. Carole's been living with Kurt and Burt since Kurt was seventeen, she knows all about Kurt's crush on Blaine. Maybe she knows something about Blaine's feelings for him too.

"I know, it's past noon," Burt mutters, without noticing the tone in her voice.

Carole and Kurt exchange smiles, letting Burt figure it out in his own time. "Do you boys want coffee?"

"I'll get it," Blaine says when Carole is about to get up from her chair.

Kurt reluctantly lets go of Blaine's hand and sits down on the kitchen sofa. He cuts some bread while Blaine finds two mugs in the cabinet above the sink. He fills them up before returning to the table and sits down next to Kurt. Kurt gratefully accepts the mug with one hand and quickly takes Blaine's free hand in his other. He has every intention to stay true to his words.

"Soo," Carole says with genuine curiosity, "when did this happen?"

Blaine leans his head on Kurt's shoulders and it comes so naturally, so effortlessly, like it's something he has always done, that Kurt kind of feels like he has. It doesn't stop Kurt's heart from racing though.

"When did what happen?" Burt asks just as Kurt is about to tell Carole about last night. He puts down the newspaper and looks up to see his son and his best friend cuddled close together on the sofa.

"No!" Burt groans and it's not the reaction Kurt expected. He frowns and exchanges a confused look with Blaine as Burt gets up and starts going through the top kitchen drawer. "Who had New Year’s Eve?" Burt mumbles to himself.

"What's he talking about?" Kurt asks Carole.

"Oh, nothing," Carole deflects. "Burt, come back to the table and have coffee with Kurt and Blaine."

"Rachel! Of course," Burt groans again. "I knew it!"

“They're still betting on us aren't they?" Blaine asks, finding it a little bit amusing. Carole confirms with a nod.

"Oh, come on!" Kurt doesn't find it amusing at all. " _Really_?"

"What date did you have?" Blaine asks Burt and Kurt can't believe he's asking him that, that he's really okay with this. Blaine strokes Kurt's knuckles soothingly and whispers to him; _it doesn't matter what they do,_ baby _. Let them have their fun, it doesn't affect us or what we have,_ and Kurt can feel his anger dissipate. Blaine doesn't care about anything but them and Kurt falls a little bit deeper.

"Next summer," Burt mutters. "Now I need to call Rachel and tell her she won."

"You'll do no such thing," Carole says firmly. "Come and sit down. Now."

Burt looks up and it's like it hits him then what he's doing. "Hrm… right," he says abashed, puts down the note in his hand and returns to his chair.

"Sorry we finally figured out our feelings for each other too soon," Blaine says in a warm, teasing voice.

"It's actually not a day too soon," Burt smiles, leaning back in his chair and taking a sip of his coffee. "What took you guys so long?"

They drink their coffee together and talk and laugh when Kurt and Blaine tell carefully selected parts of what happened the night before. They eat their breakfast with a seemingly insatiable hunger and Kurt doesn't care that he can feel his dad's inquisitive eyes on him. He's twenty three, by the time his dad was twenty three he and his mom were already expecting him.

Kurt loves every second of sitting there, holding Blaine's hand and giving him little kisses whenever he feels like. He wants every weekend morning to be like this, surrounded by the people he loves, talking about what's happened the past week, but he knows he'll soon leave and be 333 miles away from Blaine. He tries not to think about it, to enjoy the time they share now, but the thought won't quite leave his mind.

"Is something wrong?" Blaine wonders when they're alone in the kitchen, taking care of the breakfast dishes. A worried crinkle has appeared on his forehead and there's something nervous in his eyes. "Are you… Are you having second thoughts about us?"

"No, never," Kurt quickly reassures. He puts down the plate he has in his hand and wraps his arms around Blaine’s waist, hating that he made Blaine doubt his feelings for him. "I love you, and I want to be with you."

Blaine looks at him, worried crinkle slowly disappearing, and Kurt can feel Blaine's heart beating against his chest. "I love you, too," Blaine says, biting his lower lip.

Kurt blushes when he realizes he let those words slip, but he doesn't regret them. Hearing Blaine say them back is everything and that fuzzy warm feeling of being loved by Blaine moves permanently into his chest.

"What's wrong then?" Blaine asks.

"I'm leaving," Kurt says, leaning his head on Blaine's shoulder. "Soon I'll be in Nashville and you'll be in Columbus and I don't want to be away from you." He feels like a sulky teenager, but he really doesn't want to part from Blaine when he just got him.

"That's still a week away," Blaine says and holds him tight. "Don't worry about it now."

"I hate living in Nashville," Kurt pouts. "I hate my decision to move there."

"You don't hate it, Kurt. You have friends there, the university is great and you-"

"But you're not there. What if we can't do the distance? What if it breaks us?" Kurt's not scared on his own part, but what if, when they're not together in this bubble of being insanely in love, Blaine's feelings fade? What happens then?

Blaine chuckles softly. "I'm never saying goodbye to you." He moves his hands to cup Kurt's cheeks and kisses away the pout. "It's just for another few months, then you'll graduate and we'll move in together. If you want to."

Kurt's fears fades when he listens to Blaine. "Of course I want to." Blaine's so calm and put together, like he has everything figured out already. It gives Kurt faith. It is just a few months, and then… "Of course I want to move in with you!"

Blaine smiles back at him, making Kurt's heart flutter. "Then stop worrying so much," he whispers. "You and me, we got this."


End file.
